08 May Collecting Trophies
Collecting Trophies
by
Jeremy “Ferg” Ferguson, LMFT-S
Can you believe that the first day of summer is not until June 21st at 3:24am CST? That is crazy to me! Who made that decision? May always feels like the beginning of summer…at least in Oklahoma. I mean it was already 90+ degrees in March! But it’s still spring. I bet you all of the kiddos you know are itchin’ for that summer break.
This May my wife and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. May is a pretty common time to get hitched. It was the busiest month when I DJed in grad-school. For my wife and me, it was because we got the extra day off with Memorial Day…that and I was tired of waiting. Let’s get it done! Am I right?
Looking back over the last 10 years is…surreal…to say the least. Seeing how far we have grown, how we have gotten to know each other, how we have learned to do life together, seeing and showing all of the weaknesses we are not proud of, seeing and showing all our strengths we are proud of, and reflecting on all the challenges we have faced together…honestly, ha ha, makes me tired. Have we earned a vacation yet?
My marriage is not perfect. Far from it. My wife and I still get caught in negative cycles like any other couple does. I still get caught up in my protesting moves, and my wife still catches herself retreating from my protests or running into the counter-protest. We eventually catch it and work through it all, thankfully. After a ton of work, we have gotten a lot better at it and still hope to continue getting more connected with one another.
One of the things that has helped us over the course of our marriage is the idea of intentionally memorializing crucial moments in our relationship or challenges that we faced together. We Fergs have this family value: “We slay dragons. We mount trophies.” This comes from the basic idea that we “celebrate all victories” no matter how seemingly big or small they are. (wink-wink to all my Circle sojourners)
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However, the big victories, the milestones, we make a point to show them off.
“Take it to the taxidermy, Babe!”
These become anchoring points in our relationship. It helps us build a pattern of “Lifelong love,” as Dr. Sue Johnson would put it. Do you have that relative who has a wall full of deer heads? Antlers? Maybe it’s the prize-winning fish he caught. Maybe you know someone who won some sort of championship. Maybe you have one yourself. They beam with pride when they tell you the story of how they “caught the monster” or they “tracked the elusive bugger.” Those moments are now etched into their memory and, through your imagination, in a way they are etched into your memory too.
The visual helps a lot.
It makes you more eager for the next hunting or fishing trip. It makes you more confident at the next competition, “Let’s do it again!” It’s a good feeling to build off of.
It’s the same way in marriage…and in your family relationships too. Life challenges, or “Dragons” as we Fergs like to call them, once conquered, if used right, can give you the confidence to turn and face the next dragon that’s trying to breathe fire down your neck.
I feel like there is a Skyrim reference I should insert right here.
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Trophy 1
Our Debt Free Trophy
One of our first dragons was our student loan debt. Both My wife and I have master’s degrees…and neither of us knew better than to rack up tens of thousands of dollars of student loan debt…it really handicapped our finances for the first chunk of our marriage. When your student loan payments are bigger than your mortgage…yeah…that dragon was pretty vicious. *Toot toot!* We decided to jump on the Ramsey train to living a debt-free life…which meant the first 3 years, 10 months, and 8 days of our marriage, we had NO LIFE. Ha ha ha. We ate those rice and beans, baby! It caused us to face our foolishness head-on…as a team. We did not get to go out to eat. We did not get to go to movies (often). Christmas was small and was mostly handmade crafts. It was hard. It was hard telling our friends we could not go on double dates. It was hard humbling ourselves and allowing others to take us out on adventures like the movies. (We would try to negotiate with these generous people so they would take us on discount Tuesdays…I had to protect some semblance of my pride.) It was hard to say no to fun vacations, new board games, or new subscriptions to streaming services that we enjoyed. Saying no sucks…
But we did it….
Doing the Debt Free Scream on the Dave Ramsey Show.
Looking back, we did something really hard together, and it forged a grit in us…to take on some of life’s hardest things. If we can take on this pain the way we did BY CHOICE, how much more can we take on the dragons life throws at us that we do not choose.
Trophy 2
Ferg and Lulu the day she came off oxygen.
Another pivotal dragon that was slain was the birth of our first child, Lulu. To give you a little bit of context, my wife is a type 1 diabetic, which means the doctors consider her pregnancy more “high risk.” So we have extra scans and all the good stuff that goes with “high-risk pregnancies.” Turns out, these more detailed scans were not just an annoyance, but really helpful, as it was discovered that Lulu has a congenital heart defect with a valve in her heart.
Same as her papa in fact…Sorry, girl.
During the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, it looked like they were concerned about some complications that may require emergency surgery for her. So this means changing hospitals, doctors, birth plans…all of it. This dragon breathed an anxiety on us like we never experienced. My wife had never given birth before and had no idea what to expect with being induced. (Something that is recommended with diabetic pregnancies.) So there we were, in a hospital we did not want to be at, while a total stranger of a doctor (and a big fat jerk to boot), with this lingering concern about our daughter’s well-being.
Will we have to transport Lulu to Oklahoma City for heart surgery hours after her birth? Will we not get to spend any time with her after birth? How long will she have to stay in the NICU? Will I have enough self-control not to smack this jerk-wad doctor in the face?
Oh! And did I mention that my wife decided to do a natural delivery with no epidural? Yeah, because we were not sure if Lucy would need to be taken to emergency surgery, my wife needed to be able to have her wits about her after delivery, and needed to be able to move if she needed to go to the NICU. When the freight train that is level 10 contractions hit with no context of prior experience and a doctor not talking to her at all (again…total jerk face)…PANIC.
I am at a loss as to how I can help or reassure…
Did I mention our doctor was a jerk?
I’m not bitter.
We rallied. And while some definite repair needed to take place from the disconnection we both felt, Lucy, my precious little Lulu, was born. Our tiny dancer who we spent the last 8 or so months getting to know in the womb, was born. We spent about 3 or so weeks in the NICU and PICU altogether, but our little Lulu rallied right along with us. About 2 years later, Lulu had a small heart procedure to close up one of her PDAs that was not closed all the way after birth. She is still on track and her valve is operating well.
Dragon slain. Trophy acquired.
Wouldn’t you know it…I guess kids are naturally little trophies too! (Don’t read into that. Kids are something to be proud of…we are not pressuring them to show off for us.) Our next two kiddos were born without a hitch…with the actual (non-jerk-wad) doctor that we wanted (Love you, Dr. Bryant!). There were some awesome redeeming moments for both of us with these births.
Thank you, Lord.
We look back fondly on these moments together. OF COURSE WITH HAPPY TEARS! (As my clients probably guessed.)
I could tell you about many other dragons slain. From exams passed, to licenses gained, boundaries laid and enforced, peace acquired, and all the way to defeated demons and witches, we have mounted many a dragon’s head.
And we have more dragons to still hunt…
In the coming weeks (or months, at this rate), I will have a new, massive trophy to mount…probably the biggest of my life. I am expected to have open-heart surgery sometime this summer. See that congenital heart defect I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it has its eye set on taking me out. For the past several weeks, I have been sitting with the information that I have an aortic aneurysm caused by the more turbulent blood flow coming from the bicuspid aortic valve.
Yay me.
There has been a lot of anxiety that I have been fighting. I get to practice casting those cares over to the Lord. (I guess I get to put my money where my mouth is! ha ha ha) We are praying for the right surgeon and the right options to be put in front of us. (As well as just straight up healing that we believe can happen.)
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12
But, regardless of what happens, there is a space being made on our trophy wall. As my wife and I make space on the wall, we are getting to see all the trophies we collected…And I mean actual physical representations of these victories in our lives. (as I have shown above) We take in the goodness God has shown us and remember how he strengthened us in the trenches of those fights.
That gives us confidence. This challenge, this…well, in all honesty…fear…will fall to our blades just like the others. I would not wish this on anyone…
But who better for it….
…Than I.
This is another saying we have in our household. “Who better for it?” My wife tells my kids that “We do hard things.” It’s funny, cause the Ferguson Clan Motto is “Dulcius Ex Asperis” which translates to “Sweeter after difficulties.” What an apt motto…it’s almost like it’s in my DNA. Ha ha!
So I am looking forward to the sweetness! Life sure is a sweet adventure.
Do you look back and remember the challenges you have faced? Do you and your spouse keep track and intentionally remember how you overcame them? If you are not married, is that something you do on your own?
Take a moment and remember. Write it down.
Do that now. In this moment.
I encourage you to make some trophies of some kind that you can use to remind you of your gut and grit. It helps build a pattern of dragon slaying and gives a sense of confidence and purpose to your past trials.
YOU HAVE A MISSION.
Look how far you’ve come…Keep going….Don’t stop…Charge forth.
And go slay dragons.
-Ferg
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